Sad Day and Horrible Wake Up Call!

     I had a rough night last night and woke up real sad with reality slapping me in the face. A friend passed away Sunday night, Melinda, I was notified by a mutual friend last night it is very sad. I was just thinking about her over the weekend too, maybe my heart felt it coming? She was just a bit older than me, I think 60 now. She had diabetes way out of control and a few other health issues I believe high blood pressure. She lives where we use to in Pompano Beach and worked with me at Sears. She helped me a lot with medications I couldn't get for my diabetes, just in general with my work and she even gave me a lovely Dream Catcher. I'm sorry to say we weren't in contact like we should have been.
  
     I have been failing my diet and so my health and I feel like this was a big and I do mean BIG wake up call. This could be me in a few short years if I do not get my act together and get back on my healthy road, I have no idea why I stopped but it is obviously time to get going again and this time stay on track! My Dr. D told me that I have proven I can do this, and only I can fix this issue. I have no answer to why I stopped, I have a lot of reasons, but those are truly only excuses.

     This is my road and I was sick, but I can work around that issue so that needs to stop being an excuse. I feel like I'm alone with very little encouragement, even when I slip and again this is my road I need to do it for me. I felt guilty for losing too for offending someone who wasn't losing or not losing as fast and I certainly do not want to do that but again I am on my road and I need to continue to move forward, all I can do for others is try to encourage them and not brag lol which is hard because it kind of motivates you if others say you are doing good now and then, so maybe I just need to focus on how to brag without offense.

     I have major changes in my life happening and I sure don't want to die so very young, or to have to suffer for my remaining years. I did start a food journal, not a calorie counter but a food journal, to keep track of what I eat in a day, am I sticking to my 5 small meals, or 3 meals and 2 snacks a day? or am I eating WAY too much, or all the wrong things? I just am terrible at counting calories so I think, and hope that this will work better for me.

     I will try these baby steps and see if I can get back on the right road again. It is so very sad that Melinda died when she could have prevented it easily... see that word? yep it isn't "easy" but it isn't hard either, losing pounds is hard but making healthy changes which help your healthy while you take off the pounds is easy unless you push it aside. Time is running and I need to move it!

OK OK hit or miss but I'm back

Well my heart doctor found a murmur, might be because I over did it when I jumped right into walking 3 miles everyday, then I got sick... anyway now I need to only do two 15 minute walks, no more than a mile a day and about 4 days a week until I can build up strength.

I got so depressed, so unhappy with myself after my two different doctors advice/opinions of my failure. I felt like nothing I do is right or working right. I just said F it and gave up.

But then the other day I started thinking things through, my diet that my diabetes doc had said was bad but which is closer to the one my heart doc says it right... Atkins vs Mediterranean diets... yeah very confusing! But my diet was working for me, I was slowly losing; ok so if I adjust that diet and if I add regular exercise which I hadn't done before, then maybe this would be a good way for me to go?

So I have gone back to my own style of diet which is closer to the Mediterranean diet and I have started the 15 minutes twice a day walk and we will see how it goes, if it doesn't seem to be working I'll do research and see how I need to adjust it.

Hopefully taking the exercise slower will help my heart mend, I can increase the exercise but need to take it slow.

Crossing my fingers and my toes!

what to do...

I need to come up with an exercise plan. It needs to be something I can do when it's raining o too hot. So hmm I like to walk, but that won't work real well if it's too hot. It is nice to walk in the early morning so I suppose that is an option. Night is nice too but I can't walk alone in the dark, sidewalks are too messed up and with my hearing loss roadways aren't a good plan.

I like the pool and that is the easiest place to workout for me, that works for mornings. afternoons/evenings either rain comes in and/or families and that isn't ok for me lol (yep I'm getting old) now that I'm giving it some thought, I seriously need to try to work pool time in.

I have a couple online workouts that I like and that are productive but you have to keep rewinding them to get enough time in...hey freebies lol.

So I guess I know some things to do and I just need to figure out a good routine that I can stick with! Isn't that the most important part of exercising? to find a routine and stick with it?

Pros and Cons of FAT ME!

ok so here goes lets see where my mind is at:

so what are the Pros of Fat Me? (what's in it for staying fat)
I don't have to buy new clothes.
I can hide behind baggy clothes
I eat what I want when I want and the amount I want!
Many love me but no one wants a permanent because I am fat not because something is wrong with me.

Cons of Fat Me? (things that can be made better with weight loss)
Health

• diabetes
• heart works way too hard
• varicose veins

fat rolls
double chin
wing arms
cellulite
accepting that my choices as in: bad choices, are why I'm not in a permanent relationship not weight.
being able to say I'm alone by CHOICE and it being believable! (no one whispering sure see how BIG she is)
get to buy new clothes that I love ;)
can be proud to have a good/great figure, no more hiding.

I am sure I can add to these, and some are a general statement but have a deeper basis that I don't care to publish at this stage. I looked into the sleeve (weight loss surgery) because it seemed the easy way and it's more permanent, where diet and exercise is a lifetime commitment. But seriously I do NOT want another operation and recovery that is not fun, not even remotely acceptable to me. I need to have my teeth worked on and soon and that is the only operation I am willing to suffer through.

So what do I know about "diet" well I know that it has to be a lifetime commitment, so it should be a life choice diet not a until weight loss goal is met diet. Healthy choices you will follow for life, and make them happy choices learn to season etc. to be yummy. Accepting that there are holidays, birthdays and other occasions that will require you to "cheat" or more exactly eat not so healthy choices once in awhile, these are just facts of life and you should not beat yourself up over them or push yourself.

I guess the bottom line is, I have gotten use to making bad choices, it is so much easier to hit the fast food than to go home and cook, sometimes time is short or you're tired or you don't want to wait while it cooks. OK so not all foods at fast food places are BAD so I've gotten use to making the bad choices and that is something I have to break! I have to re-train myself to be smart, to love me enough to make the best choices! The ball is in my court.

Shame on me!

So here I go, saw my diabetes (and primary care) Dr. last evening and he is not happy with me, ok that makes two of us! I gained 4 lbs., the only good news about that is I didn't gain everything I'd loss back! 

I messed up and stopped walking because I got sick and because of my shin splints in my bad leg. Then I chose to eat all the wrong foods, I can say it was because I got sick and then because I had house guests but both are just excuses!

Dr. D said that I have proven I know what it takes to lose weight, because I have proved it recently. He said he can't fix or cure fat which I guess is true (not without surgery) but I have the power, knowledge to fix or cure my fat! I pointed out that he can't cure/fix stupid either and that is what happened I got stuck on stupid, and I CAN fix that too!

So now the big question, why do I sabotage myself? Am I afraid to be thin? do I use the excuse that no one wants to have a life with me because I'm fat and I'm afraid that if I'm not fat I'll have to accept just not being wanted? I really need to look within and be honest with myself. I think I have actually become fine with being single at this stage of my life so the fat/thin deal isn't a serious issue any longer. Maybe the journey is hard and a long, lonely one? Maybe there is more to it...but I need to set my mind and then just avoid those issues that hurt me or set my mind against being sabotaged by myself or others.

Well I've pulled myself up by the bootstraps once again and I will lose the 4 lbs. I gained and continue on my road to better and smaller me. I think I need to make a list of the positives and the negatives of my weight and see if that motivates me more.

A New Start...yep again lol

Well it's been about 6 months since I've been here! I went through a really rough spell, hating me, giving up on about everything. Then I got a new Doctor who said two things to me that changed my mental garbage.
"How long have you been FAT" yep seriously, he did not say overweight he said FAT.
then he said "lose weight or make an appointment with the undertaker" okay... so an undertaker and funernal director are the same BUT somehow not in my mind and the vision my mind had well it super bothered me.

I went home and I thought about life...mine! I came to accept that I cannot change the past, I wish I could change some of it but I cannot. I can only move forward and I hope and pray I am able to make a positive impact on the lives I touch.
I want to see my grandchildren grow up and see the roads life takes them on. I want to be there cheering them on and telling them things will be ok when they make mistakes, we all make them! To show them the unconditional love I never received, because it matters!

So that brings us to now, my Dr said my great diet was wrong, for my kind of diabetes, he recommended the Atkins diet, which I started on 1/26/13 and then my new heart Dr said Mediterraean Diet...dang so different, so I am now trying to create a good medium of both. I have lost 13 lbs not a lot but hey I'll take it LOL I've now added a 3 mile walk which I do under 60 minutes (Y) and I try to do it everyday, never less than 5 times a week!

Weeks 7 & 8 ended

Well week 7 has came with the 2 lb gain, but other things stayed the same, week 8 came and went with all numbers stayed the same, still have the 2 lb gain but it is the only gain all other numbers have stayed the same. I have figured out one thing during these two weeks...I went back to more normal foods, still restricting my potatoes and pasta's to 2 a week the rest has been meals with meat and veggies... this is a maintaining diet or life diet once I lose all the lbs.

This Sunday will be week 9 and I will come back and log everything in and that is when I am going back to my restricted diet and try to get some more lbs off before the holidays come along. I do have a bit more confidence that if I stay on the diet I've been on or my life diet during the holidays I should be ok and not fall off and crash!

*I bought a pair of pants today in a color and fabric (jean) I've been longing for, they are a bit snug, which I do not like, I CAN wear them though but 5 or 10 more lbs or just a couple inches and they will be mag! so I have a goal lol

Get Back on Track

Ok so I've slipped off and it's time to get back on the right path! I made myself a cup of tea at 5:30ish this morning, sat down to read and then had a good talk with myself after I checked my sugar.... I said self are you going to keep with the blurry vision until it's totally permanent? you've gained 2 lbs are you going to gain back all those hard lost lbs? No way in hell! I am stronger than this! I have learned to walk and talk against all odds, if I can do those things I can do this! 

So, I did 60 push ups and my 15 minute workout, I did 12 minutes and 2 sets, that was all I could do this morning (at 6am lol) so I figure I'll work in another 60 push ups and another 15 minute workout...at mim 2 sets hopefully that will work as well as doing 3-4 sets at one time?

I need to fine tune my diet again too... gone into hamburger and fries world again and that is very much not ok, not for my diet and not for my life diet either! I wonder if I'll always been addicted to those bad choices? Well I quit smoking after 30+ years I can surely get control over bad foods! Especially since my sugar is up again and my sight was bad last evening for my last two classes and I was thinking oh no, why have you let yourself do this?

When I left for school yesterday I was proud, I put on tight pants that fit nicely now and my favorite shirt that I don't wear so often (trying to save it lol) and it was big I mean BIG on me, even Kim said something without being asked it was so obvious! I want to continue that route because it feels so good! I mean I thought heck I've only lost 12 lbs and 19 inches after weeks of trying so hard I was a bit disappointed in myself but yesterday it hit me it is slowly but surely working.... I have a pair of jeans to fit into next (;

Workout Sore lol

I did my (new) abs 15 minute workout. I think I like this one better, although with weights it's a bit harder, maybe that's what I like?

I am up to 90 push ups now too... but boy are my arms sore! Must mean I'm doing the job right?

I'm really working hard getting in walking too... I want to get this next 10 lbs off before Sept moves into Oct!

ROFL ok so I want to buy a couple new sexy bra's and some new panties too with the extra money I'll have at the end of the month, it would be a waste of money to buy them unless I'm done the extra size.... so just keep on working!

How to Prevent Relapse

I came across a story of a lady who has lost 119 lbs and this was one of the questions she was asked. I like the answer mainly because it is simular to what I have come to believe which is not easy because we are all inclined to fall and then add misery to it instead of getting up, dusting off and moving forward again.

 It is like I said earlier about this holiday weekend, try to keep in control and not eat 6 pieces of cake lol but accept that you will eat "bad" foods or eat too much...there will be many events in life, birthdays, holidays and more, this is part of life and we are all hopeful or should be hopeful to make this a life choice not just I want to fit into that bikini or speedo and look hot and catch Mr/Mrs Right... if they are right they will love you whatever size you are.

You need to take these steps to be healthy and looking good is an added bonus... or at least that's my opinion on it.

How do you prevent relapse?
"Every day is a new day. I allow myself to have a bad choice without having that attitude of "screw it"; I messed up so let's keep messing up and have a piece of cheesecake!"

End of Week 6

Here we are another week has passed. I was very concerned I'd gain this week, eating chew foods and then yesterday I really felt I over did it and made bad choices...so I didn't lose this week but the good news is I didn't gain either.  I think I'm going to accept that it's a holiday weekend and I have bad choices, so I need to limit the amounts of those bads I have... then go back to my strict diet, it's working...s l o w l y..... but working LOL I have a long road and a lifetime of maintaining my health so I'll keep going  It's at times a very lonely trip but then in my case my life is sort of lonely so no excuses!


Weight is down 0 lb.. total 12 lbs gone (sure wish this would start moving in 3's again (:

Bust down 1/2"  total is 4 1/2" down
Waist down 2" woo hoo :) total is 6" down
Hips stayed but total of 7 1/2" down :)
Arms stayed but total of 1" down :)

total inches lost 19 not bad, not bad at all..

sinking ship

I think I switch over to chew foods too soon :( I am worried that I'm getting out of hand this weekend... we have pizza in the house, we always do but in the freezer and I'm not in love with that kind of pizza...but this is made to order for me and my serving does not have as many calories as some of my soups I feel guilty for some reason? We'll see how it goes tomorrow when I wt in I'd be shaking in my boots but I don't have boots on LOL

On another note, a stress thing that affects my eating habits too... I was asked to do something yesterday that would make it easier for my boss that lives far away and easier on me... BUT it appeas it will evade my private spaces... basically I'd be giving an open door to my computer... it should be able to be private for one user but it's not seeming that way...so I have not said no (yet) I want my son in law to advise me... but if this person can access my private side then it will be no.  The more I tossed this around the stronger and calmer I felt it's hard to explain but if it cost me jobs or even a friend it is ok - I am confident that I am ok with the power I have over ME... my ex used spyware on me... when I had a shared computer it was a matter of signing out of everything or ... well one of the many reasons to buy this laptop was so I can have privacy I can control if I want to sign out or leave things open, I write what I am thinking or feeling in documents and it is safely there.

A man, John, who has been with me for a number of years said to me recently that he is so proud of me in how I've over-come so much from speech on... he said :) "you've come a long way baby" I know that is a common expression but to me it was like... the best! So it came to me while sorting out the pros n cons of this situation... why yes John I have come a long way in more ways  than you can imagine!

First Day Back

Well yesterday was my first day back to school for Fall semester and it went ok EXCEPT didn't take the time to make sure I ate all my dinner but was super proud of myself for not vending a candy bar!

That said I did go through Checkers on my way home and got a popcorn chicken box this comes with Fries. did I mention greasy fries? today I spent most of my time in the bathroom and feeling real bad. I had a ton of homework plus I needed to set up a new program for work and try to learn how to use it and all the time feeling real icky.

 Did I learn a lesson? YES!!! I have been very good and my body has adjusted to this healthier style and I need to stay with it or pay the price.

Over ate :(

I think I over ate yesterday, not by much but that is not the point I need to stay on track! Kim bought Everything French Bread to have with dinner and damn I love bread! It is one of my top bad choices in life! Did I eat too much of it? no but I did have seconds and that was not the way I should have handled it.  This is a life diet I'm on and I need to keep the changes and my self control in the front of my mind!

I'm stressing over school starting today, which is no excuse to make wrong choices, but stress always has and always play a part in my bad habits... confort food which is BS for me because it's... blindness foods and I need to train my mind to think of certain items that way. Food should taste good nothing wrong with that but food is fuel.

I really feel lonely, alone in life and that is so sad...

End of Week 5....

Well end of another week of this life change.  I changed my diet to make it more of what should be a normal meal plan for my life. I am still keeping less calories that just has to be and when I get to goal it actually might be a normal calorie level for my short self...hmmm I'll check into that! So no I did not do as well as I'd hope BUT better than all zero's.

Weight is down 1 lb.. total 12 lbs gone

Bust stayed same but total is 4" down
Waist stayed the same but total is 4" down
Hips went down 1/2" for a total of 7 1/2" down :)
Arms went down 1/2" for a total of 1" down :)

total inches lost 16 1/2 not bad..

School starts this week so we shall see how that goes...

checked and yes about the same calories for goal...cool lol

Little worries and a lot of babbling

I worry, I changed my diet to add a salad and meat for my dinners...it's great BUT I worry so very much about the chewing...yep chomp chomp... my soups were to drink, I stuck them in my blender and made them liquid in order to drink them.  I was very afraid if I tried to allot myself food I could chew I would say well damn this hamburger has the same calories so why not? and that would lead me back to bad choices.

I am on week 5 now, during the first 4 weeks I did not have a piece of bread, a cracker, a potato or pasta or rice... none of it! I have limited my soda pop to almost none - not easy for a 2 liter a day drinker! I can honestly say I had 2 drive thur soda's, 4 cans and 1 - 2 liter in all this time!

I'm doing ok so far, but HELLO it's only been Sun, Mon and today! lol I found out how healthy the rice (brown) was that I was making for Kim that I had my little serving too with my single serving of tilapia and I had my salad, which I didn't finish so I had it for my later snack (diabetic snack needed)

I have to lose the weight to save my sight - period! I have to learn to eat this new way not having certain foods except once in a very limited while because if the weight came back so would the loss of vision issue.

I guess right now it's all very hard, I'm teaching myself about choices and to make the right ones in nutrition/calories and I'm trying to add in the exercising and increase it while trying not to hurt my shoulder or legs ok or back heck old bones lol my main goal is get the weight off as fast as I can in a healthy way but fast, my sight is having major issues. at my rate of loss I think I have about 3 more months to get to first goal and first goal should make my vision good.

It sure as hell was easy to gain this weight! Why can't it be as easy to take it off?

Small Changes

After giving it a lot of thought today, I went to market and picked up some new foods for my diet. I've been having protein shakes and low calorie homemade soups and I still intend to but I've decided to add a salad with a protein (egg, tuna, chicken) to each days dinner menu at least for a week or two and see how things go doing that.

Tues and Thurs are about to become very full for me classes from 12:30 til 8:30pm. I'll be able to take a nice healthy salad for my dinner hour 4 to 5:30 but I don't think I'll be able to add a workout into those days so I need to get a routine going for my workouts that will keep me on track all the rest of the week! I'd think it shouldn't be hard...

End of Week 4 and not happy :(

Well it's the end of my 4th week of this hard journey! I am ok with my progress but not overjoyed I had expected to be at a better weight by now but I've been ok with the inches lost and even the weight down  Today I have lost another 2 lbs which is better then none but less than my other 3 weeks and I lost no inches and that is way bad...

weight loss: 2 lbs total lbs lost: 11
inches lost: 0 total inches lost: 15 1/2

I have not been exercising enough I hurt my shoulder but that is no excuse I need to get back to doing this.

Helpful Places

I was hunting around for information and found this about how simple cuts can help you lose weight without really working hard at it.... just found some of it helpful, things I hadn't thought about trying or doing. Anyway I thought I'd share it and maybe it will help someone else who happens on my blog.
http://health.yahoo.net/articles/weight-loss/photos/25-ways-cut-500-calories-day#0

End of Week Three

OK end of week 3...

Weight down 3 lbs (I seemed to be stuck on this 3 lbs a week deal lol) for a total of 9 gone!

Bust  1" total 4"
Waist 1 1/2" total 4"
Hips 1 1/2" total 7"
Arm 1/2" total 1/2" finally something LOL

I've lost a total of 9 lbs and 15 inches....

Well not as much as I wanted to see gone but it sure is better than nothing and I do feel my hard work is paying off... just... man it's so easy to gain why can't it be just as FAST to lose? isn't fair LOL