OK OK hit or miss but I'm back

Well my heart doctor found a murmur, might be because I over did it when I jumped right into walking 3 miles everyday, then I got sick... anyway now I need to only do two 15 minute walks, no more than a mile a day and about 4 days a week until I can build up strength.

I got so depressed, so unhappy with myself after my two different doctors advice/opinions of my failure. I felt like nothing I do is right or working right. I just said F it and gave up.

But then the other day I started thinking things through, my diet that my diabetes doc had said was bad but which is closer to the one my heart doc says it right... Atkins vs Mediterranean diets... yeah very confusing! But my diet was working for me, I was slowly losing; ok so if I adjust that diet and if I add regular exercise which I hadn't done before, then maybe this would be a good way for me to go?

So I have gone back to my own style of diet which is closer to the Mediterranean diet and I have started the 15 minutes twice a day walk and we will see how it goes, if it doesn't seem to be working I'll do research and see how I need to adjust it.

Hopefully taking the exercise slower will help my heart mend, I can increase the exercise but need to take it slow.

Crossing my fingers and my toes!

what to do...

I need to come up with an exercise plan. It needs to be something I can do when it's raining o too hot. So hmm I like to walk, but that won't work real well if it's too hot. It is nice to walk in the early morning so I suppose that is an option. Night is nice too but I can't walk alone in the dark, sidewalks are too messed up and with my hearing loss roadways aren't a good plan.

I like the pool and that is the easiest place to workout for me, that works for mornings. afternoons/evenings either rain comes in and/or families and that isn't ok for me lol (yep I'm getting old) now that I'm giving it some thought, I seriously need to try to work pool time in.

I have a couple online workouts that I like and that are productive but you have to keep rewinding them to get enough time in...hey freebies lol.

So I guess I know some things to do and I just need to figure out a good routine that I can stick with! Isn't that the most important part of exercising? to find a routine and stick with it?

Pros and Cons of FAT ME!

ok so here goes lets see where my mind is at:

so what are the Pros of Fat Me? (what's in it for staying fat)
I don't have to buy new clothes.
I can hide behind baggy clothes
I eat what I want when I want and the amount I want!
Many love me but no one wants a permanent because I am fat not because something is wrong with me.

Cons of Fat Me? (things that can be made better with weight loss)
Health

• diabetes
• heart works way too hard
• varicose veins

fat rolls
double chin
wing arms
cellulite
accepting that my choices as in: bad choices, are why I'm not in a permanent relationship not weight.
being able to say I'm alone by CHOICE and it being believable! (no one whispering sure see how BIG she is)
get to buy new clothes that I love ;)
can be proud to have a good/great figure, no more hiding.

I am sure I can add to these, and some are a general statement but have a deeper basis that I don't care to publish at this stage. I looked into the sleeve (weight loss surgery) because it seemed the easy way and it's more permanent, where diet and exercise is a lifetime commitment. But seriously I do NOT want another operation and recovery that is not fun, not even remotely acceptable to me. I need to have my teeth worked on and soon and that is the only operation I am willing to suffer through.

So what do I know about "diet" well I know that it has to be a lifetime commitment, so it should be a life choice diet not a until weight loss goal is met diet. Healthy choices you will follow for life, and make them happy choices learn to season etc. to be yummy. Accepting that there are holidays, birthdays and other occasions that will require you to "cheat" or more exactly eat not so healthy choices once in awhile, these are just facts of life and you should not beat yourself up over them or push yourself.

I guess the bottom line is, I have gotten use to making bad choices, it is so much easier to hit the fast food than to go home and cook, sometimes time is short or you're tired or you don't want to wait while it cooks. OK so not all foods at fast food places are BAD so I've gotten use to making the bad choices and that is something I have to break! I have to re-train myself to be smart, to love me enough to make the best choices! The ball is in my court.

Shame on me!

So here I go, saw my diabetes (and primary care) Dr. last evening and he is not happy with me, ok that makes two of us! I gained 4 lbs., the only good news about that is I didn't gain everything I'd loss back! 

I messed up and stopped walking because I got sick and because of my shin splints in my bad leg. Then I chose to eat all the wrong foods, I can say it was because I got sick and then because I had house guests but both are just excuses!

Dr. D said that I have proven I know what it takes to lose weight, because I have proved it recently. He said he can't fix or cure fat which I guess is true (not without surgery) but I have the power, knowledge to fix or cure my fat! I pointed out that he can't cure/fix stupid either and that is what happened I got stuck on stupid, and I CAN fix that too!

So now the big question, why do I sabotage myself? Am I afraid to be thin? do I use the excuse that no one wants to have a life with me because I'm fat and I'm afraid that if I'm not fat I'll have to accept just not being wanted? I really need to look within and be honest with myself. I think I have actually become fine with being single at this stage of my life so the fat/thin deal isn't a serious issue any longer. Maybe the journey is hard and a long, lonely one? Maybe there is more to it...but I need to set my mind and then just avoid those issues that hurt me or set my mind against being sabotaged by myself or others.

Well I've pulled myself up by the bootstraps once again and I will lose the 4 lbs. I gained and continue on my road to better and smaller me. I think I need to make a list of the positives and the negatives of my weight and see if that motivates me more.

A New Start...yep again lol

Well it's been about 6 months since I've been here! I went through a really rough spell, hating me, giving up on about everything. Then I got a new Doctor who said two things to me that changed my mental garbage.
"How long have you been FAT" yep seriously, he did not say overweight he said FAT.
then he said "lose weight or make an appointment with the undertaker" okay... so an undertaker and funernal director are the same BUT somehow not in my mind and the vision my mind had well it super bothered me.

I went home and I thought about life...mine! I came to accept that I cannot change the past, I wish I could change some of it but I cannot. I can only move forward and I hope and pray I am able to make a positive impact on the lives I touch.
I want to see my grandchildren grow up and see the roads life takes them on. I want to be there cheering them on and telling them things will be ok when they make mistakes, we all make them! To show them the unconditional love I never received, because it matters!

So that brings us to now, my Dr said my great diet was wrong, for my kind of diabetes, he recommended the Atkins diet, which I started on 1/26/13 and then my new heart Dr said Mediterraean Diet...dang so different, so I am now trying to create a good medium of both. I have lost 13 lbs not a lot but hey I'll take it LOL I've now added a 3 mile walk which I do under 60 minutes (Y) and I try to do it everyday, never less than 5 times a week!

Weeks 7 & 8 ended

Well week 7 has came with the 2 lb gain, but other things stayed the same, week 8 came and went with all numbers stayed the same, still have the 2 lb gain but it is the only gain all other numbers have stayed the same. I have figured out one thing during these two weeks...I went back to more normal foods, still restricting my potatoes and pasta's to 2 a week the rest has been meals with meat and veggies... this is a maintaining diet or life diet once I lose all the lbs.

This Sunday will be week 9 and I will come back and log everything in and that is when I am going back to my restricted diet and try to get some more lbs off before the holidays come along. I do have a bit more confidence that if I stay on the diet I've been on or my life diet during the holidays I should be ok and not fall off and crash!

*I bought a pair of pants today in a color and fabric (jean) I've been longing for, they are a bit snug, which I do not like, I CAN wear them though but 5 or 10 more lbs or just a couple inches and they will be mag! so I have a goal lol

Get Back on Track

Ok so I've slipped off and it's time to get back on the right path! I made myself a cup of tea at 5:30ish this morning, sat down to read and then had a good talk with myself after I checked my sugar.... I said self are you going to keep with the blurry vision until it's totally permanent? you've gained 2 lbs are you going to gain back all those hard lost lbs? No way in hell! I am stronger than this! I have learned to walk and talk against all odds, if I can do those things I can do this! 

So, I did 60 push ups and my 15 minute workout, I did 12 minutes and 2 sets, that was all I could do this morning (at 6am lol) so I figure I'll work in another 60 push ups and another 15 minute workout...at mim 2 sets hopefully that will work as well as doing 3-4 sets at one time?

I need to fine tune my diet again too... gone into hamburger and fries world again and that is very much not ok, not for my diet and not for my life diet either! I wonder if I'll always been addicted to those bad choices? Well I quit smoking after 30+ years I can surely get control over bad foods! Especially since my sugar is up again and my sight was bad last evening for my last two classes and I was thinking oh no, why have you let yourself do this?

When I left for school yesterday I was proud, I put on tight pants that fit nicely now and my favorite shirt that I don't wear so often (trying to save it lol) and it was big I mean BIG on me, even Kim said something without being asked it was so obvious! I want to continue that route because it feels so good! I mean I thought heck I've only lost 12 lbs and 19 inches after weeks of trying so hard I was a bit disappointed in myself but yesterday it hit me it is slowly but surely working.... I have a pair of jeans to fit into next (;